I've had a lot on my mind lately. Between the grueling routine of college, the dreadful prospect of getting a job, coming to terms with the idea of me being neurodivergent and being unable to get proper help or a diagnosis for the time being. along with the usual existential dread and anxiety about the future, it's been a cocktail of emotions in my head that lead to most days being either exhausting or unproductive.
I've been trying to get out of the house more. Even the shell I've developed over the years aside there isn't anything or anyone interesting within a walkable distance, and transport costs add up. I get to see my boyfriend maybe once a month tops. The most interesting person I saw in the industrial town-turned-residential suburban hell in which I live in was this person at a McDonald's who was wearing dog ears and a collar without a single fuck given. I really wish I had talked to them more, I never saw them again.
Seeing them made me think about the ways in which I've expressed my own gender and identity over the years. It feels as if I'm on a path of constant rediscovery and reinvention. I'm currently at the point where I feel disconnected from my own humanity. I don't think my "idealized" form would be fully human in nature. There's a certain euphoric comfort from seeing myself as something less human and more animal. Just a dumb little bunny, if you will. I've been surrounding myself online and IRL with people who are more than happy to indulge me in that, giving me headpats and calling me a good bun and all that, and it just feels... right.
Is it a sex thing? Yeah, sometimes. Not all the time. Even when it is a sex thing it feels therapeutic. Not having to worry about social cues or speaking or even making my own decisions, being able to just let myself be used and get lost in cloudy comfortable pleasure. It's even served me well in dealing with trauma and suicidal ideations when my more masochistic tendencies come out. It enables me to take what can be considered negative sensations and emotions into something really fulfilling. The idea of giving someone who you truly trust and who truly understands you full control over your body and your life is just extremely appealing to me in a way few things in life (and death) are.
There's this one artist that I really like that conveys at least some of what I'm talking about in their art in a way that really resonates with me. He goes online by DeadBunny (I originally named this song after them, actually). Aesthetically his art is really comfy, good use of color, small canvas sizes with no anti-aliasing (a personal favorite style of mine), and just really cute and genuinely beautiful at times. One of my favorite pieces by them is a 4-panel comic titled "Genesis", in which Ramiel (a bunny and one of DeadBunny's alters) is brought to life by a shadowy figure (Riley, another one of her alters) who sews him together, kissing him to life on the lips before fading into a flutter of butterflies, with the wish that Ramiel will be happier than he ever was. I think about it a lot, I even wrote lyrics to a song a friend made inspired by that comic. I don't know if it'll ever come out though.
DeadBunny's NSFW works also tend to speak to me quite a bit. While usually not nearly as thematically heavy and ripe for interpretation as something like Genesis (and even then, a good amount of even his SFW stuff is just gay furries being comfy and doing drugs, which I also enjoy :p), a lot of what she depicts in her NSFW art is stuff that I'm personally into and the way she tends to depict it (particularly between Ramiel and Harley) just feels really sweet and comfy and like there's a true mutual understanding between them. There's a certain impact that it's had on me that I can't say for many other NSFW artists (or artists in general). That impact is what drove me to write this song.
I hope I was able to convey all that as you hear it. This song has a great amount of meaning to me and I think it's the best thing I've made by far. Thank you for your consideration, and I hope you enjoy it. ♡♡♡
~ A.J.
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